4 Strategies to Communicate Introvert Relationship Preferences

If you’re an introvert in a romantic relationship, chances are you have two dilemmas:

1. “How do I get enough alone time without hurting my partner’s feelings?”

2. “How do I show my partner I love them even if it’s not in my nature to express love loudly?”

Not to worry. Both of those concerns are normal and addressable.

1. Understand and embrace your need for alone time

In order to clearly express your need for alone time to your partner, you must first understand it yourself. The best way to start understanding a dimension of your personality and preferences is to take an open, curious, and accepting position towards it. Whatever you want is great! Your preferences, introverted or extroverted or whatever, are not wrong in any way. This is simple, but don’t underestimate its importance.

With a position of accepting whatever we find, let’s explore how much alone time you need and what refreshes you most:

• Do you need quiet at certain times of day? Observe yourself as you move through your schedule for the next few days. When do you most crave time to yourself? In the mornings, afternoons, evenings? Before or after certain activities? What seems to refresh you most during those times? If you can identify when you most need alone time and what most reenergizes you, you can maximize your recharge moments so you can return to your partner fresh and happy.
• Are there triggers that lead to needing more alone time? When you have a lot on your plate at work, or when you spend an evening at a cocktail party, do you need extra time alone? Notice how much you need and when you need it so you can start building it into your routine and recharge automatically.
• When you’re stressed or there’s an argument, how much time do you need to cool down? Do you need an hour, two hours, or only a half-hour before you regroup with the task at hand or the conflict you’re trying to resolve with your partner? When you know how much alone time you need, you can make the request gracefully. Your partner will be at ease since they know you’re not walking away; you’re just taking the time you need so you can have a good discussion.
• Do you have a certain rhythm of “on-seasons” and “off-seasons”? Many of us rotate through cycles of sociability and privacy. Do you have such a rhythm, and if so, what does it look like? Is it seasonal, where you’re more active in the summer and more private in the winter? Is it weekly, where you’re more social on Fridays and Saturdays and need all day Sunday alone? What is your unique rhythm that makes you happiest? Remember, as much as your partner may love to spend more time with you, what they most want is to see you happy. So, if your active-alone rhythm makes you happy, figuring out your rhythm and sharing that knowledge with your partner will make them happy too.

2. Communicate your need for alone time

How do you express your need for alone time to your partner in a way they can understand, feel at ease with, and honor?

First, remember to understand and honor the fact you need this time. Remember that when you take the time you need, you are happier, less stressed, and more engaged with your partner. That’s what makes it a win-win. If you keep in mind that honoring your need for private time is good for you both, your body language and voice will naturally be more easeful when you communicate your needs, and that will encourage easefulness in your partner as well.

A good script might be, “Honey, I’ve been doing some thinking about how I can best take care of myself so I can bring more happiness and presence to our relationship. I realized I really need X time by myself to relax and recharge, especially when X (time of day, triggers, disagreements, seasons). When I’ve had that time, I’m able to be fully with you, which is what I really want. Does this sound okay to you?”

3. Understand and embrace how you naturally express and receive love

There’s a wonderfully illuminating concept called the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It’s a resource for understanding how you most naturally express and receive love.

As you read through the 5 Love Languages below, think about (a) what is most natural and familiar to you, and (b) anything you might feel like you “should” express but that doesn’t come naturally.

• Quality Time: Meaningful and fun time spent together.  
• Words of Affirmation:  Compliments, verbal encouragement, and loving acknowledgement.
• Gifts: Physical gifts, great or small.
• Acts of Service: Helpful gestures that make another’s life easier and more enjoyable.
• Physical Touch: Affection through touch and physical closeness.

What resonates most with you?

You might more naturally receive love one way and more naturally express it another way.

For example, you might love physical affection when your partner initiates, but you may be more likely to express your love through doing little things around the house and making your partner’s life easier.

4. Communicate how you express love

If your partner has often said to you, “Honey, I want us to spend more time together,” or, “I really like it when you give me sweet compliments,” you have a clue to your partner’s natural love-receiving language.

The 5 Love Languages Profile for Couples questionnaire can help you explore together your natural love languages. Armed with the knowledge of your preferred ways of giving and receiving love, you can each focus on giving even more to the other in the way that most delights and suits you both.

For example, if you give love best via physical affection, your partner’s awareness that this is your way of giving love will allow them to intentionally receive your touch as love. After your partner recognizes your frequent touches as your showing love, they’ll feel more appreciated. You can focus on giving even more touch, and it’ll become an upward spiral.

You can both grow as individuals and as a couple to receive love in multiple different ways.

You can also grow by gently giving in the direction of the other’s most natural receiving language.

For example, if your partner’s receiving language is Words of Affirmation, but you’ve felt uncomfortable giving verbose compliments, ask what is truly meaningful to your partner about compliments. Ask why it’s important and what it feels like to them to receive compliments. Ask about the most meaningful compliments they’ve ever gotten, and just listen openly.

Once you understand your partner better, you’ll be naturally more inspired and more comfortable to love them in the way they like best. Chances are, your partner doesn’t need or even want a long poem from you, dripping with excess flowery words.

For example, when you discover that all your partner wants to hear is, “You look wonderful today,” every now and then when it naturally occurs to you, you can rest at ease. You’re probably already thinking these kind thoughts. From here, all you have to do is simply start noticing those little moments when a compliment can rise to the surface and be expressed verbally.

It can be a very gentle and unassuming process. All it requires to love well is a little special attention: (a) understanding what your partner actually wants rather than what you vaguely assume they want and then (b) looking for opportunities to easefully and enjoyably give in your partner’s languages.

It can be a pleasure to discover your and your partner’s needs and wants, so you can work together to honor yourselves and each other. If you view your need for recharge time in the context of your relationship’s health and explore how you express and receive love, you may open up a new world of fulfillment and closeness with your partner and enjoy the added benefit of gently expanding yourself as a person.