Find Love by Embracing These Truths About Yourself

Tom came to me because he had never dated anyone.

While he knew deep down that he was a great guy, he didn’t see how his kindness and intelligence, for example, could translate into attracting women. He’d been reading dating advice geared towards extroverts, so he never imagined he could attract women naturally as an introvert.

He didn’t know that he already possessed rare gifts.

As an introvert yourself, you do too—though admittedly, your rich internal life can be tricky to translate into the dating world.

Quiet introspection, meaningful pauses, and deep conversation all play roles in establishing a love connection for introverts. That means that much of what you may have heard about navigating the dating pool doesn’t necessarily apply to you.

For you, finding love requires staying true to your own nature while putting yourself among others in a way that feels genuine. In order to do this, you must first understand your own natural charm and what makes you inherently appealing. Once you understand that, you’ll be able to draw in warm, open, and attractive people much more easily.

Here are three truths you can use to attract potential love interests.

#1: You are naturally intriguing and mysterious

This is a huge leverage point that you may not even know you have. While other more gregarious types often try very hard to be mysterious, you don’t have to try.

As an introvert, you’re already effortlessly mysterious because of your reserved nature. When someone finds you even mildly attractive, the fact that they can’t quite figure you out increases their curiosity and desire to know you.

Think about a burlesque dancer. Her grace, her magnetism—that sense of intrigue you feel—wouldn’t be there if she just walked out nude. Her dance is a tease as she reveals just a little more of herself gradually, over time. The result is tantalizing intrigue.

As an introvert who deeply values privacy and quiet, you effuse a sexy mysterious vibe, even when you’re not intending to. And when you are intending to? Wow.

By considering your natural mysteriousness—just as you’re doing right now by reading these words—you are working that idea deeper into your self-concept. As a result, you hold your head higher while remaining completely wonderfully yourself.

#2: You have easy access to a positive feedback loop

As an introvert, knowing how wonderful you are and building on that confidence is often enough to have potential love interests start approaching you.

I hinted at this with the first point. When you understand that you’re truly attractive and that you can’t help but be wildly mysterious, something magical happens: you become even more attractive. It’s a positive feedback loop that continues cycling upwards in your favor just by the tiny act of you seeing and acknowledging your own charm.

As an introvert, you are especially equipped to utilize this feedback loop simply because you’re more introspective and thoughtful. These qualities make it nearly effortless for you to dwell on these things, continually fueling your powerful positive feedback loop.

Using your quiet, pensive awareness as a catalyst for attraction is in stark contrast to the cookie-cutter tactical dating and attraction advice: “Oh, say this! Appear that way! Do this!”

Because generic tactical advice doesn’t take into account your unique appealing qualities, which are the very core of your attractiveness, it is noise: irrelevant at best and crippling at worst.

Instead, focus your attention on discovering what is specifically wonderful about you. You can do this by reflecting on your deepest values and the qualities you get complimented on most. If this doesn’t come easily, consider what your dearest friend might say about you.

From there, list your core values and best qualities. Narrow them down to five values and five qualities. These characteristics taken together are the core elements of what you bring to a potential relationship.

#3: You must find your ideal environment

Once you understand your appeal of being naturally intriguing and intentionally dwell on that to create a positive feedback loop, often all that’s left to do is to put yourself among other people in a supportive environment.

A supportive environment is anywhere you’re happy to be among others—who are also happy to be there. This environment could take the form of learning-based hobbies, physical activity-based hobbies, etc.—anything that appeals to you.

My personal favorite venue to recommend (and enjoy myself!) is partner dancing. Tom, the client I mentioned earlier, chose this option with spectacular results.

He’d actually passed by a certain ballroom dancing venue on his way home from work every day and had wanted to go for a long time, but he hadn’t gotten up the nerve to do it. Once we worked through his hesitation, he finally went!

After having gone once, he found it easy to start going more to lessons and social dances—soon, several times a week.

Within a few months, he met a woman whom he began dating. Slowly, the dating transformed into a beautiful relationship. He told me how she had pursued him after he initiated, and it was a testament to him of how far he’d come. Before we worked together, he had felt invisible to women and had never dated anyone, so you can imagine how life-altering this was for him!

Everything we did in the beginning built his confidence naturally through noticing what was great about him already and utilizing that positive feedback loop.

Then we got him out of the house.

Next, we simply refined and noted his progress, which again fed back into his confidence, eventually intriguing and bringing a wonderful woman into his life.

Because you’re thoughtful and introspective, it’s important for you to first go inside yourself, see and appreciate all that’s wonderful about you, and then gently put yourself out into the world with that in mind.

The right people will find you intriguing, with no effort on your part, because you are already comfortable in your own skin and aware of what’s charming about you—even before you ever say a word.

Share your thoughts.

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  • Shel

    Thank you

  • Anup

    Thank you so much. I loved your advice:-)

  • Awesome that you’re so clear! 🙂

  • Nate

    Lovely article Sarah. I have read multiple dating books in the past. I never realized, until reading this article, that most are written for extroverts. But, it completely make sense. The tips you listed above are far more fitting then most of the advice from theses books. Thanks you!

  • lynn

    I have joined classes in the past, but I find my hobbies don’t really attract many men at all. I’ve tried art classes, art being my passion outside of work. I currently attend yoga, which I really enjoy because of its calming effects. Some people tell me I should join a recreational sports team to meet guys, but I hate sports, and it would only feel like a dreaded chore to me. What does one do in this case?

    I’ve tried hanging out alone in comfortable public settings, like a bookstore, coffee shop, etc., but no success – plus I feel extremely awkward when solo.

    • Hi @disqus_yVMjp2iKgZ:disqus, perhaps a more values-based hobby rather than interest-based would work well for you! Yoga, meditation, a spiritual group, volunteering — anything that a community gathering in line with your values.

  • Social Sage

    I love the idea that you can come across as charming without saying a single word. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you aren’t building attraction if you don’t have the best stories or lines to say. Great article Sarah 🙂

    • Awesome, @socialsage:disqus! It really takes the pressure off, right? Glad you enjoyed the read. 🙂

  • Marlana Sherman

    I really liked this article.

  • Tha Rainbow

    An encouraging and positive article. However, I strongly believe (based on experience) that WOMEN will get more results (i.e. approaches) than men. There is a gender difference of behavior that cannot be ignored. Men might have to wait YEARS for that interesting and mysterious effect to get results.

    • QuietMuse

      Sadly, not being interested, when one genuinely isn’t, being extremely
      private, when one genuinely is, can both be misread as playing hard to
      get. Exhausting, and usually ends up with having to be more blunt
      than one might choose in polite society. That is the
      downside of the ‘interesting and mysterious’ effect. Quantity is not
      preferable to quality. 🙂

      • Hi @QuietMuse:disqus, thank you for sharing, and I agree that quality is best! In my experience, when people really get what’s attractive about them and what they WANT, their “signals” – conscious and unconscious – come across loud and clear no matter how loud or quiet they naturally are. This makes for much less ambiguity and much more quality. Hope that helps! 🙂

    • Hi @tharainbow:disqus, thank you for sharing your thoughts. While typically women get approached more than men, I’ve seen men start getting approached within a matter of weeks once they understand what’s attractive about them and how to express that. It’s possible, and it’s happening every day! 🙂

  • I find this article very positive and encouraging. Among my introverted friends there are many “reasons” why they don’t date. As you say, they do not know how to capitalize on their unique strengths. Plus, as an INFP, that I am looking for a soulmate, not marriage.

    • Hi @annettevaillancourt:disqus, thanks so much for sharing and for your kind words. Awesome job on making things happen by putting together MeetUp groups. That said, the challenges you faced are definitely par for the course with that route – exhausting planning and the unfortunate trolling folks.

      A route that I’ve found works really well is getting involved in hobbies and/or values-based groups that are already happening that are also naturally interesting to you: whether a cooking class, existing book club, or meditation group – there’s bound to be a couple of things you’d enjoy doing that are also much less effort and planning than what you tried previously.

      Hope that helps! 🙂